It's Beige
Here is number four in my story-a-month send-out to you. Time for a lighter one! Hope you enjoy. Be well and stay safe dear people.
IT’S BEIGE
By Gerald DiPego
Ann sits far back in the café where the large front window sends only a weak light, and even that paleness is mostly absorbed by the wooden wall panels, uneven and cracked like old faces. Ann is comfortable waiting there and trying not to think of anything to say. She doesn’t want to have expressions ready like cards to play. She wants this to be as natural as possible, just two people meeting who have never met before. She even tries to drive all the descriptors out of her mind about this “Don” that her friends have been, if not pushing, nudging her toward. “You’ll like him, and… you’re both seventy-two.” As if that were a special prize.
Don is still in his car, parked down the block, fussing with his CDs, but truly spending a few more minutes so that he won’t be early. Well, it’s already three minutes after two, but he thinks that five minutes is a better number for showing up. He doesn’t want to be the first one there or seem too anxious. He’s irritated at himself for agreeing to meet this woman, this stranger, and feels some mild anger at his friends for saying, so often over the past month, “You two should meet. I think you’ll like each other.” And “She’s fun and smart. I’m sure you’ll get along,” and on and on.
ANN
Hello, pleasure to meet you. I’m Ann.
DON
My pleasure. I’m Don.
ANN
Well, we’ve done it, haven’t we, Don. I’m proud of us.
DON
What have we done?
ANN
Our job. We’re here to make Marla and Rasheed happy.
DON
Well, yes, and we’ve done that just by meeting.
ANN
And so now I guess we’re free to go. Thanks, it’s been great.
DON
Oh, you’re right. Yes. Well? You first.
ANN
I still have half a cup of coffee. Wouldn’t you like some coffee before we…?
DON
Might as well.
ANN
Tell me, Don, just curious, did you wait in your car before you came in here?
DON
No…. No, I just…. Sorry, were you waiting long?
ANN
No, I just came in. I HAD been out in my car though, waiting. (He smiles — owns up.)
DON
I may have… waited a bit. (She sips her coffee. They stare.)
ANN
Tell me… am I as you imagined?
DON
Well… actually... I imagined Penelope Cruz.
ANN
Well, then you must be pleased since we look so much alike.
DON
Are YOU disappointed?
ANN
A bit. I was hoping for someone less handsome. Handsome makes me nervous.
DON
I could make a face.
ANN
Please do. (Don makes a face, and they both smile and chuckle.)
DON
When you smile, you know… you’re prettier than Penelope.
ANN
Oh, Don – my heart just skipped.
DON
I have meds for that. (They both laugh, unguarded now. The waiter approaches and Don orders a coffee. They stare at each other, still smiling a bit, interested.)
ANN
I don’t remember what it is you do? I know they told me, but I wasn’t paying attention. Is it juggling?
DON
I’m an engineer. Retired.
ANN
Amazing. It must be so difficult to drive those big locomotives….
DON
Electrical engineer. Not a choo-choo. Mostly computers.
ANN
Oh, Really? My desktop is a mess. Could you help clear it up?
DON
Mac or PC? (She leans forward with a look that says she’s sorry for him.)
ANN
I’m so sorry. Should I create a certain gesture when I’m making a joke, so you’ll know?
DON
Yes. Put your thumbs in your ears and wiggle your fingers.
ANN
It’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed. People who actually KNOW computers, have had less human experience, and time to interact….
DON
I’m NOT a nerd. I’m socially adept. I came here, didn’t I? Unafraid.
ANN
Hmm, I nearly stayed home, thinking I’d mention a sore toe or a stroke or something.
DON
Do you regret coming here?
ANN
Of course. (Ann slowly raises her hands to her ears, slips her thumbs in there, starts to wiggle her fingers, and he’s laughing, taking her hands and putting them on the table. The waiter arrives with Don’s coffee, then asks Ann if she’d like a refill. She says yes, thank you, and he pours and leaves. Don sips and makes a face.)
DON
He actually calls this coffee? You think he was raised by wolves or something? What’s he thinking? Does he ever taste the product? (She stares at him.) What?
ANN
He brought you your coffee. You didn’t say thanks, didn’t even look at him, and now you’re ridiculing him and insulting his family. Are you often like this?
DON
Like what?
ANN
Rude.
DON
(Chuckles.) I’m not rude. Do you actually LIKE this coffee?
ANN
It’s not about the coffee. It’s about you, Don. I’m trying to get the full picture.
DON
Are you serious?
ANN
Are you rude? This is a need-to-know.
DON
I’m not rude. I’m never rude. How can he serve…? (She interrupts by waving to the waiter. The waiter comes over.)
ANN
(To waiter.) I’m afraid he doesn’t like the coffee.
WAITER
Oh, I’m sorry….
DON
Well, it’s just….
WAITER
Why don’t I make a fresh pot? It’s been sitting….
DON
Oh, Thanks. I….
WAITER
No problem.
DON
I’m certainly not blaming you. You’re a fine waiter. (Ann smiles at this.)
WAITER
Thanks, but we prefer ‘waitperson’. (He leaves with the coffee, and Ann and Don laugh.)
ANN
That was lovely, Don. Truly.
DON
The bastard. (They laugh again, then stare again, smiling.)
ANN
What do you do with all your retired time?
DON
We should be talking about you now. You’re in music, right? Let me hear about that, please.
ANN
(She sings this.) What do you do with allll you’re retired time… Donnnnnn?
DON
Well, obviously, you don’t sing.
ANN
(She laughs a merry laugh). I teach music theory. I write about music. I have a book out now about music. “Classical to Jazz, a Musical Journey.” That’s all about me. We segue back to YOU now. Tell me something or I’ll sing again.
DON
First of all, I like your laugh. You seem a bit staid, but then you laugh and… your face… I don’t know… comes apart… in a good way. You should laugh in a mirror and see.
ANN
Thank you. I do make funny faces in the mirror. Only when home alone. Don’t you? Just to crack yourself up?
DON
No, I don’t. I’m too busy thinking up insults.
ANN
You mean – to have them ready, like ammo? Or are they all for a particular person.
DON
Yes, for me. The fool in the mirror. Don’t you think I’m a fool?
ANN
Let me think…. Yes. (She starts her hands toward her ears again for the gesture, but he smiles and stops her hands.)
ANN
Why do you think you’re a fool?
DON
I don’t do well with people. Maybe I am a kind of nerd. I can easily make friends with any computer.
ANN
WE seem to be making friends.
DON
Just wait. Anyway, why should it be so damn hard -- being nice to people. Like the waiter…. I often piss people off. It’s not that I enjoy it. Just…. With my son, my Ex…. Do you get on well with your Ex? You probably do.
ANN
He’s not my Ex. He’s my dead husband. Yes, we get on very well, always did, except for the occasional battle.
DON
Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid. Rasheed and Marla, they probably mentioned….
ANN
Who listens? Tell me about your son.
DON
No, it’s okay. This is not fair table talk. I had no right to…. Obviously, I saw that you go… beyond small talk and I was taking advantage and making an ass of myself. Forget it. (She’s staring at him.) What?
ANN
Tell me about your son.
DON
(Heavy, edgy sigh.) Oh, come on, now you sound like my therapist. You going to take a shot at making me a better man in the next fifteen minutes? I said too much, like an idiot, and I want to get off this. Let’s talk about… your favorite sport. (The waiter returns with a fresh cup, puts it down in front of Don.)
WAITER
On the house. (The waiter leaves, Don kind of collapses with a rueful smile and a slow shake of the head. Ann stares, a slight smile and a deep look.)
ANN
You did piss me off just then. The ‘therapist’ business.
DON
I know. Sorry. See? Let’s do sports.
ANN
I won an archery award in college. Don’t shoot anymore.
DON
Thank god. (He sips his coffee.)
ANN
How’s the coffee?
DON
I don’t care.
ANN
(Smiles.) Favorite sport?
DON
Pool. I have a table, and… a kind of group….
ANN
A group is good. A group is friends, right? I’m very bad at pool.
DON
Maybe I’ll teach you… I mean someday… if you like.
ANN
Do you enjoy teaching?
DON
No.
ANN
Thought so.
DON
I… tried to teach my son how to play. I was bad at that, too.
ANN
Did you ever let him win?
DON
Well… I... doesn’t matter. He followed his mother into golf. He’s very good. They’re very close. Look, I want to get your book.
ANN
Not just to be polite, though. I mean that’s nice, but… not your cup of coffee.
DON
I read. I read a lot of things. Anyway, I’m getting it.
ANN
When?
DON
(Laughs.) I promise.
ANN
I mean you could get it now.
DON
You sell them out of your purse?
ANN
There’s a bookstore, four blocks away. I was going there anyway. So…? (He stands and she does, too. They walk out of the gloom, into a sunny afternoon.)
ANN
If only Rasheed and Marla could see us now.
DON
Practically engaged. (She laughs a very unguarded laugh. He smiles, walking on.)
DON
What’s YOUR son like? Like you?
ANN
More like his sister. They’re very serious. They describe their mother as giddy. I’m sorry about your boy. It’s tough with divorces, two enemy camps with the kids in between. My sister goes through that.
DON
I’m embarrassed that I mentioned that, and I don’t want to talk about it, so let’s just drop it, all right? I don’t usually… I don’t know why I said it. I hereby erase it. Okay? God.
ANN
(She walks on awhile, then…. ) if you have a list of all your topics that are allowed, I need a copy.
DON
Fine. It’s a list of everything except me. All right?
ANN
Now YOU sound pissed off.
DON
I’m not. Only at me. You see? I AM bad with relationships and an idiot, and not good with human beings which makes me, what…? Difficult. A neurotic. And an ass. That’s just who I am. Enough about that. Is that clear now? (They walk on in silence awhile, then Ann stops, and he stops, turning to her, wondering.)
ANN
(She speaks without anger.) Don… you’re not an idiot. You’re not "difficult," or neurotic. I’m afraid what you are is just one more crabby asshole. (His mouth is open, his throat not working. She proceeds matter-of-factly.) I could be wrong. I hope I am, but if you ARE a crabby asshole, that’s the last kind of person I want to let into my life. You be well. Really. I mean that. Bye. (She turns and begins walking back the way they came.)
DON
Well… wait! Will you wait?! I’m… ANN! Jesus! (She keeps walking. He takes a few steps after her, then stops, stands there, closes his eyes a moment, mouths the word "fuck." He watches her walking away, takes a deep breath, then turns and walks on, looking lost, very sorry and very angry at himself. In a moment, he stops and finds himself staring into a men’s clothing store. He looks through the window at each item there, hardly seeing them. He sighs, walks in.)
(Inside the store he’s wandering, with an empty stare. He sees a large mirror and stands in front of it, studying himself. A woman salesperson approaches.)
SALESPERSON
Can I help you?
DON
Doubt it.
WOMAN
If you tell me what you’re looking for.
DON
I’m… looking for a different person in the mirror. Not this one. Do you have something friendlier? (She only stares. He walks out of the store. In a few minutes of walking, he spots the bookstore and wanders in. Moves to the desk where there’s a clerk.)
CLERK
Hi, can I help you?
DON
Where’s the section on music – books about music?
CLERK
Aisle three, all the way down. You… wouldn’t be looking for the Ann Sampson book?
DON
Well, yes… it’s “Classical To…
CLERK
Jazz, yes. Only reason I asked it that she happens to be here.
DON
She is?!
CLERK
Just came in a few minutes ago. What a coincidence. You’ll find her back there. (Don begins to hurry to the aisle, but then stops short, realizing something, turns to the Clerk and says, “Thank you.” He hurries down the aisle and sees Ann sitting in a leather chair, where patrons can rest and read. She looks up at him, no smile. He walks to her. There is another chair beside her and he tentatively sits there, staring, while she leafs through her book)
DON
Did you… go back and get your car?
ANN
(Ann nods as she continues turning pages.) Came to sign the books. Then I’m going home.
DON
I’m so glad you’re here. Is there… ANYTHING I can do, or say…? (She keeps leafing through her book and doesn’t look up as she speaks.)
ANN
Change. Be a better, kinder man.
DON
Oh, god… well, you say that as if it’s something…
ANN
Change. Be a better, kinder man. That’s it.
DON
Ann, I’m 72 years old….
ANN
(Still turning pages.) Change, old man.
DON
How am I supposed…?
ANN
(Still turning pages.) Get a hammer. Carry it around. Every time you crab at someone, you hit yourself on the head. In a month you’ll either be dead or a better man.
DON
(After a long pause.) Is there, maybe… another way?
ANN
(Still turning pages.) You could start by saying something very nice about me.
DON
(He takes a moment, then) I… really… Iike how you look.
ANN
For instance?
DON
I… find you attractive. Your pretty face, your body….
ANN
(Still leafing.) I’m skinny as a pencil.
DON
…your pretty face, your skinny body, and I like how smart and funny you are, and kind… you’re kind.
ANN
(Turning pages) And?
DON
I… like how you dress. You put yourself together very well. That scarf is beautiful on you… the tiny bees against the… background, against the brown. (She closes the book, hands it to him.)
ANN
It’s beige… you idiot.
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