Be A Movie

Welcome back to our monthly Short Stories for Shut-Ins. The election’s over and we’re at it again. I think it’s time for a comedy. Enjoy.

Be A Movie

By Gerald DiPego

The marriage of Nita and Jax had a three-week window before the pandemic shut the door. They’re both 31. It’s now six months after the wedding -- two stay at homes, deeply in love. They met in acting class. They performed a play together in a small LA theater, and both have credits on series episodes. If you read the cast lists, they’re usually the seventh or eighth name down, but they were both rising, slowly – before Covid. Both have altered names. Nita used to be Juanita, and Jax was Jackson, but they left those lives behind like worn-out shoes.

Their acting class is now Zoomed. They keep in touch with their agents just in case, and they hope and dream and practice, watch many shows and movies, cook together and take turns vacuuming and doing the laundry in their bungalow that used to be his before Nita left her apartment to move in. She had the best bed, and he had the best TV, so they had a garage sale, though they don’t have a garage. They have long talks, they laugh together, they spat now and then, and they make love. They’re sitting on the sofa now, wondering what to do next.

NITA

I took out the garbage.

JAX

(Surprised) Why? You know that’s my job.

NITA

I’m sorry.

JAX

Now what do I do?

NITA

I could make some more garbage.

JAX

Thank you. (He keeps staring, then) Well?

NITA

Well, it takes time. Do you want another back rub?

JAX

My back is like jelly you’ve rubbed it so many times.

NITA

Mine, too. We were going to read the Albee play.

JAX

Too depressing. Is there any garbage yet?

NITA

No, not yet. Want to wash our cars?

JAX

Again?

NITA

How about a Rummy Cubes game?

JAX

(He stares) Are you insane? If we do that, what’ll we do after supper?

NITA

I’m stumped.

(He chuckles, and she joins in.)

NITA

What?

JAX

Such a funny word: “Stumped.” Where did that come from? From a tree stump? Let’s make up new words! (He thinks, then…). Bathom…many, “BathOmany!” Now…what does it mean?

NITA

Uhhh…when there’s more than one person in the tub?

JAX

Good! Yes. You do one.

NITA

Diss….cum…berd. Discumberd! It’s…when you’ve… discovered a cucumber! It’s been Discumbered!

JAX

That’s terrible.

(They laugh, then laugh all over again, then keep their smiles and stare. He puts a hand on her knee. She’s wearing shorts. He slides his hand upward.)

NITA

Jax…we said we’d take a longer break. We said we were losing the fire, and we needed to…

JAX

I know, I know, I know, but…. It’s been… (He looks at his phone) Almost nine hours.

NITA

Like days, we said days…

JAX

We could make it different. On the floor?

NITA

We did the floor three nights ago. It hurt. That’s what started all the back rubs.

(He removes his hand from her leg and sighs, and they sit in silence.)

JAX

Who can we Zoom with?

NITA

We’ve Zoomed with everybody in the world, and it’s too soon to Zoom again. We would all just sit there saying “what’s new with you, what’s new with you,” and nothing is new with anybody, so…

JAX

What about the Hatners?

NITA

We don’t like them. They’re awful.

JAX

You’re right. Sorry. I was lowering my standards.

NITA

I’ve now emailed everyone I’ve ever met in my whole life.

JAX

Yeah, me too. Oh, I found that teacher I loved in eighth grade and was finally able to tell her how much she meant to me.

NITA

That’s great! What did she say?

JAX

She didn’t remember me. (They sit and stare) Hey, let’s watch your nude scene from “Crashout.”

NITA

Partially nude -- and the lighting sucks.

JAX

We could watch MY nude scene from that “Ozark” episode.

NITA

It’s just you taking a shower, and I’ve seen you taking a shower, and you have no lines in that scene.

JAX

Yeah, but I had to BE that person taking a shower. I think I really came out of myself and found the character in that moment. Hey, why don’t WE take a shower, and I’ll show you how I BECAME that guy.

NITA

Will you stop about sex? We both agreed. We both said we weren’t able to hit that Gong the last few times, that holy Gong, that…

JAX

I know, I know. The Holy Gong. God, Nita, what if we never hit it again?

NITA

We will. We will! We just need some time off. We need to be patient. We just need to…

JAX

To sit here and wait. And then sit here and wait. This is like that French play “No Exit.” What if nothing ever happens again? Ever.

NITA

I don’t know. I’m stumped.

(That gets them laughing, and he brightens.)

JAX

Let’s MAKE something happen. Let’s do a movie.

NITA

“Do” a movie. You mean…

JAX

“Be” a movie. We’ll BE a movie. We’ll do a scene. I mean we’ll act it out. In wardrobe and everything. Right here. That movie we watched last week.

NITA

Planet of the Apes?

JAX

No! No, it was before that, Wednesday or…

NITA

LA Confidential.

JAX

Yes! LA Confidential, 1997, Curtis Hanson…

NITA

With Kim Basinger, who I definitely want to play!

JAX

Of course, yes! And I’ll be Russell Crowe.

NITA

Not a sex scene, Jax. This isn’t just a way to…

JAX

No! No! That early scene where he knocks on her door, she lets him in, they have that talk. It’s so…

NITA

Quiet but powerful, so much going on…. Layers.

JAX

We’ll learn it, we’ll rehearse it. I’ll wear my suit, the grey…

NITA

What can I wear to be a beautiful Kim Basinger who’s impersonating a beautiful Veronica Lake?

JAX

You’ll think of something – and you’re just as beautiful as they are.

(One week has passed, and they’ve learned their lines, chosen the wardrobe, and now Jax is returning, masked, from a friend’s home where he has borrowed the last item they need – a real LAPD police badge. He enters, showing it proudly, along with some toy handcuffs, but Nita is on the phone, having a quiet argument, and he walks through to the bathroom, tossing out his mask and washing his hands and face.

When he comes into the living room, she’s off the phone and looking mildly angry and mildly sad. He notices that the lamp by the sofa has a nearly sheer pink scarf thrown over it.)

JAX

That’s a good effect. The lamp. See what I have. (He holds up the badge and cuffs.)

NITA

Great. Perfect.

JAX

What’s wrong?

NITA

Oh, my mom. She said it again, just before hanging up – like a zinger. It’s something they say. I’ve heard it all my life. “Balance the till, Juanita.” Like the cash register, you know…

JAX

What do they want you to do now?

NITA

They want US to volunteer at the Christmas food bank where they volunteer.

JAX

They want us to drive all the way to Silver Lake? That’s not fair. And we do our part. Does she know that we send money to the food bank -- not as much as we used to, but we have to conserve now, so…

NITA

It’s the same old thing, and it hurts me. I mean…I know they love me. Us. But… they think what I do, what we both…. They think acting is trivial. I swear. She wouldn’t say it, but I swear she thinks I’M trivial.

JAX

Bullshit. That’s ridiculous and wrong. It’s wrong, Nita.

NITA

Is it? Is it, Jax? Today I dyed a dress so it looked more like Kim Basinger’s dress, and you went out and got a toy badge -- while people are lining up for food. It’s just…

JAX

Listen…listen, there’s that old saying: give the people bread and circuses. It’s a kind of put-down, but…if you think of bread as the…staff of life, y’know, bread keeps us alive, but the circus feeds us, too. People need circuses in their lives, and that’s us. We’re the circus -- plays, movies, that’s what WE give, so it’s not trivial. It’s filling a need. Deep down.

NITA

(She stares at him a moment.) That’s brilliant. It is! I should call her back. YOU should call her back, tell her your thoughts.

JAX

Well…it was a podcast…by an acting teacher, couple of years ago.

NITA

But…you remembered it. So…good for you, Jax.

JAX

You…really want me to call her back?

NITA

No. Forget that. Forget it. Let’s DO this movie. I’ll show you how the dress turned out. I changed the bodice. (She rises, and Jax pulls out the badge and cuffs again.)

JAX

Wait. Look. The cuffs are toys, but this badge…it’s REAL. (Pause.) So are we, Nita. (She smiles a big one.)

(It’s twilight of the same day. We see Jax step out of the bungalow and stand on the narrow porch. He’s wearing a suit and carries the badge in his hand. He’s doing some deep breathing, getting into character. He knocks on the door. No answer. He knocks harder, raises the badge. He barks this.)

JAX

Open up -- it’s LAPD!

(Just as Nita is opening the door in her provocative dress and studying him with a bemused smile, a woman named LAURIE rushes out of the dark toward Jax, coming across from the yard of the neighboring bungalow, scared as hell. She’s about 35 and wild-eyed.)

LAURIE

LAPD! Thank God! We need you! Please! Over here! He’s crazy!

(Jax turns to the woman, and Nita steps out on the porch.)

JAX

Wait, I’m not…. Hey!

(But Laurie has turned and is running back to her yard where we see, in the glow of a porch light, one BIG MAN is standing over a SMALLER MAN, and now kicking him, which makes the smaller man cry out in pain, makes Laurie SCREAM and makes Jax and Nita….)

JAX

Holy shit!

NITA

Be careful!

(Both rush across the yards to the fight. CHAOS.)

LAURIE

This is the police! He’s the police!

(The big man turns on Jax. Jax thrusts out his badge. The smaller man rises up and kicks the bigger man in the ass. The big man turns on him. Laurie tries to get in between them. She’s shoved aside by the big man. And that pisses off Nita, who…)

NITA

Leave her alone, asshole!

JAX

You’re going down for assault! Get on your knees, dipshit!

(The big man is angry and drunk, and he stares at JAX for a second and then turns to rush the smaller man. Jax takes a step after the big man and kicks him in the back of the knee, which knocks the big man down in the grass. Jax gets on top of him and pulls one of the man’s wrists to the small of his back. He pulls out his fake handcuffs and tries to put them on the man during…)

LAURIE

He’s drunk! He’s terrible! He’s my ex!

BIG MAN

I’m gonna beat the shit out of him!

(The big man is struggling, and Jax is having trouble with the fake cuffs coming apart. Nita rushes in and kneels down near the head of the big man, shouting.)

NITA

Look at me! Look at me!

(She grabs his hair. He looks at her. She lets go of his hair and puts her face close to his.)

NITA

Listen! Are you listening? You’re right on the edge of ruining everything. This second, right now, is when you decide. Is it prison? Or do you go on living the life you’re living? You have one second. Decide!

(The big man starts to cry. Soon his body is heaving with weeping. The others all look at each other. Jax gets off the man’s back and stands. Nita stands. They all watch the crying man, who is moaning now.)

BIG MAN

I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

LAURIE

I don’t love you anymore! Get it?!

(The big man nods his head in the grass. The small man comes beside Laurie, and they hold each other, looking at the Big Man, and then at Jax and Nita.)

LAURIE

Thank you. Thank you so much.

(Jax and Nita nod and start to walk back to their home. Jax stops, turns.)

JAX

Listen…if he comes back or…anything else happens, call 911. Right? Don’t come next door.

(Laurie and the small man nod. Jax and Nita walk to their bungalow and enter and sit heavily on the couch, staring into space as they speak.)

NITA

That was great how you put him down like that.

JAX

That was from my bit in “Law and Order.” Stunt man taught me. And you! That speech. Great.

NITA

From “Orange Is the New Black.” When I played the social worker….

(They turn to each other, holding hands now.)

JAX

I guess we didn’t get to bring the circus, did we.

NITA

Not exactly, but... You know what we did?

JAX

What? What did we do?

NITA

I think maybe we balanced the till, Jax. I think we did.

(They stare, and slowly, they smile, him in his detective suit, her in her Basinger dress. They’re in the low light of that one lamp. There is a kind of glow in the room that I could try to describe, but I’m not going there.)

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